Havasu Christian Church
May 31, 2026
Study in Ephesians
Ephesians 5:21-33
“That Scripture doesn’t apply to me!”
INTRO: Here we are today at a passage of Scripture that some of us may not think applies to us!
It talks about wives… It talks about husbands…
Some of us here have never been wives… I know I certainly have not ever been a wife.
Some of us here have never been husbands… I am a husband, so I guess this applies to me today.
But at the end, we are told that ALL of us can learn something about Christ, and His Church from this passage! So, we are all in this together.
- We will begin with all of us, because that’s where Paul begins!
Ephesians 5:21 and be subject to one another in the fear of Christ.
- We talked about this verse last week. Shouldn’t we be done with this?
- This verse makes a connection from what we studied last week to what we are looking at today!
- Last week, we looked at these words and were reminded that we should put each other ahead of ourselves.
- We were reminded that despite what our world tells us, it isn’t all about me!
- It isn’t about you either!
- This idea is fundamental in a Christian marriage as well!
- Last week, I mentioned an article that I saved from a long time ago, titled “On quarreling with your wife” By Orrin Root. Even though it was published in March of 1983, (two months before Robin and I got married, I might add) and some of his examples are a bit outdated, it’s worth reading… so, we will.
“You Roots are so serene” a friend said. “Tell us how you handle YOUR quarrels.”
My wife answered, serene as usual, “What quarrels?”
Our friend was scornful. “Don’t try to tell us you don’t have any. What are you here for?”
Actually, we were there by mistake. There were a dozen different workshops. We misunderstood the directions and blundered into one on family problems.
“Maybe we can learn to help people who do have problems” I explained, hiding the real reason we were there.
It’s now been 4 years since Thelma died, and I still hesitate to say we didn’t quarrel. I know experts will say I’m lying. All married couples quarrel. It seems to be an axiom. But I was there in person through our 42 year marriage, and the simple fact is that we didn’t quarrel.
I don’t think anybody in the workshop believed it, but the were intrigued. How did we keep from quarreling?
We did it automatically. Neither of us had ever thought about it much. Faced with the question, we had to improvise. But those extemporaneous reflections have stayed with me a long time, and maybe some of them are worth sharing.
Marry the right person. “The first thing,” I began, “is to marry the kind of girl I married.”
“Or, if you happen to be the girl” Thelma contributed, “marry a guy like the one I married.”
“So, that’s the secret. You two just happen to be identical characters.”
“Oh, no.” I corrected. “We’re opposites.”
“What do you mean, opposites?”
“For one thing,” Thelma said solemnly, “he’s a man and I’m not.”
I wouldn’t have it any other way.” I assured the group. “but there is a potential hazard there. Masculine and feminine viewpoints account for some of your quarrels.
“Well, if gender is the only difference, I still say you’re practically identical.”
“But it’s not the only difference.”
“What else?”
“She’s musical and I don’t know do from la.”
“He’s a hermit and I’m a gadabout.”
“You’re a people person.” I corrected. “You’re an extrovert.”
“And he’s a day person. Early to bed and early to rise.”
“And she’s a night person. She saves the dirty dishes all day and washes them after midnight.”
“I like to sleep in the morning.” Thelma explained.
“Some of us have things to do in the morning.” A young wife commented acidly.
I hastened to my wife’s defense. “She got up when we had kids in school. She scrubbed them and fed them and dressed them and sent them on their way on time.”
Thelma patted my hand. “Thanks, pal. Then after lunch I took a nap and saved the dishes to wash after midnight.”
I get it,” someone announced suddenly. “You get along together because you never are together. You sleep while she works and vice versa.”
I shook my head. “It’s not that bad.. We’re together for dinner and the evening nearly every day.” “Besides,” Thelma added, “he stays up late with me when I really want him to.”
“Oh, and I suppose you go to bed early with him when he really wants you to?”
“Of Course!” Thelma and I said it together, and the group laughed louder than the remark warranted.
A thought was forming somewhere in the back of my mind, and I tried hesitantly to put it into words. “This quarreling – it’s really up to you. You can choose whether you will quarrel or not.”
“We do not!” the challenge was quick.
“Well, look at it this way. There’s no way you two can have a quarrel unless you two quarrel, is there?”
The group mulled that over for a while. The consensus seemed to be that there was something wrong with it, but nobody could tell what.
“I don’t WANT to quarrel,” a young wife said plaintively, “and neither does he. But we DO quarrel.”
“Maybe there’s a problem of self-control.” I suggested. Thelma had another idea. “I think it’s more a matter of values. With us, happy togetherness takes top priority.
“Hey, you’re right! I wouldn’t trade that for anything!” I always knew my wife was brilliant, but that keen analysis surprised me.
A man said impatiently, “You mean when a row starts, you just shut up?”
“I don’t think that would work.” I said slowly. “Wouldn’t the row still be there inside you?”
“How about going for a long solitary walk?”
“I hear that works for some people. We just don’t ever get that far.”
Thelma was struggling with the same unformed thought I was. “It’s like when you see a storm cloud away off and you don’t go out. When you see a possibility of confrontation, you don’t rush into it.”
“In other words, when a row starts, you just give in.” a young lady said scornfully, and I took up the explanation.
“Not when a row starts, no. That’s too late. It’s like that cloud on the horizon. When there’s just a threat, just a hint, just a far-off possibility of conflict – that’s when one of us gives in.”
That brought a sharp question. “Which one gives in?” Again, Thelma and I answered together. She said “He does.” I said “She does.”
“You’re quarreling.” Someone chortled happily.
Watch out for danger. But we weren’t. Both of us knew both of us were right. The one who gave in was the one who first saw the far-off danger. I still think it was Thelma more often, not because she was more pacific, but because she was more perceptive. She sensed a possibility of conflict before I did. I was trying to put that into words when a middle-aged lady broke in.
“I wonder – do you suppose that’s why the Bible says a wife should submit to her husband? Because she’s smarter?”
“Watch your language, “I suggested. “More perceptive is not necessarily smarter. But maybe you’ve got something there. Maybe a lady is better equipped to give in because she’s better equipped to see the need of it before it’s too late.”
“Well, blow me down!” The lady smote her brow. “All my life I’ve been thinking submitting meant I was low person on the totem pole – you know, inferior. So it’s just the opposite. It means I’m superior.”
“In one way, maybe.” I cautioned. “Don’t push it too far.”
“She leaned against her husband and put an arm around him. “Honey, from now on you can have your own way in everything. Then I can look down on you.”
Everybody laughed but the workshop leader. I knew he thought this bunch was having too much fun, and I agreed with him… partly. But I just had to say one more thing.
I’m not too smart about spotting that little cloud on the horizon,” I confessed. “But when Thelma sees it and pulls back, I do too. I’m really willing to go her way.”
“That’s the nearest we ever come to a quarrel.” Thelma confirmed. “He wants to do something my way, and I want to do it his way.”
“Don’t you call that a quarrel?”
“Oh, no!” Thelma smiled contentedly. “I’m generous. I give in and do it my way.”
“I’m not all mule myself,” I countered. “Sometimes I give in and do it my way.”
A young blond flapped her hands in a helpless gesture. “STOP! I’m lost. You want to go her way and she wants to go your way, but instead of arguing, she gives in and you go her way, or you give in and she goes your way. How in the world do you ever come to a decision?”
Thelma and I looked at each other blankly. “Beats me.” I said. “How do we?”
She shrugged. “Beats me too.”
Carefully, I tried to explain what I didn’t understand. “You see, it’s not just a matter of who wants what. You have to notice how much she or he wants it.”
“Oh thanks!” the blonde said sourly. “That clears away all the confusion.”
“For example,” I went on, “she very much wants to see Sound of Music again. Me, I’d rather see Son of Flubber. But mine is only a slight preference, and her preference is strong. So we go to Sound of Music, even if we’ve seen it twice before.”
But – but you’re so all-fired noble about giving in. How do you know how much anybody wants anything?”
I was stumped again. “That’s a question for the perceptive one.” I said to Thelma.
Become one. “You just know.” She pondered a bit. “I think maybe it’s involved in two people becoming one – you know, like it says in Genesis.
“Yeah,” I concurred. “I kinda feel her feeling.”
“Tell me this” a fiftyish man spoke for the first time. “Who’s really the boss at your house?”
We answered in the same breath.
I said, “I am.”
She said, “He is.”
“Well, there’s no quarrel about that. But how do you know. If you’re both so ready to give in?”
“The Bible tells us so.” Thelma chanted happily.
The questioner tried again. “Do you mean to tell me your wife always does what you tell her to do?”
“Of course.” Again we spoke together like a well trained choir.
Now a scholarly looking gentleman put in a request. “In the interest of science, will you tell us how you achieve that result?”
His wife’s elbow jabbed him. “Shut up! I don’t want you to know!”
“It’s simple.” I explained. “I tell her to do whatever she wants to do, and she does it.”
Again, I felt sorry for the leader. His frown was so lonely in that hilarious room.
Th e fiftyish man chortled. “So THAT’S how you get to be the boss!”
“Sure. Do you know a better way?”
“But - but suppose what she wants to do is wrong?”
I shook my head at that. “I wouldn’t marry a girl who didn’t know right from wrong. Would you?”
The leader stood up. “You know what’s the matter with you two? You’re in love.”
I looked at Thelma. She looked at me. We swapped a quick kiss.
“Our time is gone” the leader said morosely. “Believe it or not, I did have a plan for this workshop.” He glared at the two of us. “Will you lovebirds kindly stay out of my next session?”
We did.
- This article shows the power of “being subject to one another in the Fear of Christ.”
- Basically, putting the other ahead of ourselves.
- If a couple put this idea into practice, you can have a marriage like Mr. & Mrs. Root!
- Paul’s instructions to wives…
We will begin with wives, because this is where Paul begins!
Ephesians 5:22-24 Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord.
23 For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body.
24 But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.
- Be subject to your husbands, as to the Lord.
- Notice, this is a choice a wife makes, not a demand from a husband.
- It is not a demand made by a husband, it is a demand made by God through His Scripture.
- “But maybe Paul is an “evil member of the Patriarchy!” Maybe this is just his idea.
- If you choose to go this route, there is NO authority of Scripture.
- Either it is God’s word, or it is not!
- There are plenty of people, many who wear “funny collars or robes” on Sunday, who would “interpret” Scripture this way. “Whatever I agree with, THAT is Scripture…. But if I disagree with it, that’s just the writer talking!”
- This is dishonest! God either was capable of getting what He wanted said into print, or He was not.
- He would be a pretty puny “g” god if he couldn’t!
- This submission means allowing a husband to lead.
- This is a choice.
- This is a gift!
- This choice means that the family has 1 leader.
- Think about how bad things can get when two people try to run something.
- Instead, they work together…
- There is a parallel here.
- The Husband is to be the head of the Wife. Christ is the head of the Church.
- Jesus is our Savior!
- The one relationship sheds light on the other.
- We are all called to follow Jesus.
- A wife is called to follow her husband.
Wow! Paul gets this part done in just two sentences.
Why did Paul address wives first?
Perhaps it was to get their husbands to pay attention! “You tell em Paul!” then, Paul drops their part of this on them!
Ephesians 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her,
28 So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself;
29 for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church,
30 because we are members of His body.
31 FOR THIS REASON A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER AND SHALL BE JOINED TO HIS WIFE, AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH.
- Husbands are to LOVE their Wives.
- Agapo. “In spite of” love.
- Like submission, this kind of love is a gift!
- There may be days when you don’t feel very loving… SO WHAT!
- There may be days when your wife isn’t very lovable! SO WHAT!
- This love is the same love that Christ gives the Church!
- He “gave himself up” for her.
- Jesus “Gave up” everything that made Him God to have His bride, the church.
Philippians 2:5-8 Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men. Being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.
- He did this for our sakes.
- That’s a pretty high bar to reach for, isn’t it husbands?
Ephesians 5:26-27 so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless.
- Jesus did all this so that we could be His!
- He sanctified His Church.
- Hagiazo: To make holy.
- We were anything but Holy!
- Jesus did what He did, to change that.
- He cleansed His Church.
- We are made clean “The washing of water with the word.
- Baptismal Regeneration is the idea that is sometimes put out there that we who believe that we are commanded to be baptized for the forgiveness of our sins, think that “dunking someone in the magic water” is what saves.
- In my entire life, I’ve never met anyone who told me they believed that.
- The Cleansing involves baptism, certainly, but it also involves believing and following the Word of God!
- This cleansing makes us Holy and blameless! It makes the Church ready to be the Bride of Christ!
- Husbands, we’ve got a lot to live up to! We can’t be slackers!
As I said earlier, this passage applies to all of us!
It isn’t just for wives and husbands…
- Paul is talking about Christ and His Church!
- That’s YOU! That’s ME! That’s everyone who accepted Jesus in the past, everyone who has accepted Him in the present, and everyone who will accept Him in the future!
32 This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church.
- Jesus cares about His Church more than any man could ever hope to care about His wife.
- He lived for us.
- He died for us!
- He rose for us!
- He waits for us!
- The day will come when Christ and His Church are together forever!
Revelation 19:7–9 “Let us rejoice and be glad and give the glory to Him, for the marriage of the Lamb has come and His bride has made herself ready.” It was given to her to clothe herself in fine linen, bright and clean; for the fine linen is the righteous acts of the saints. Then he said to me, “Write, ‘Blessed are those who are invited to the marriage supper of the Lamb.’ ” And he said to me, “These are true words of God.”
- What a day that will be!!!
- Before we are done, Paul has a final thought for husbands and wives.
33 Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.
- Men, we are called by God to LOVE our wives!
- The man who treats his wife in a way that does not show her that he loves her, if defying his God!
- Women WANT lots of things.
- But the NEED love!
- She can put up with all kinds of hardships if she knows her husband is putting her ahead of himself!
- Husbands, LOVE your wives!
- Wives, you are called to respect your husbands!
- A woman who does not treat her husband with respect is defying her God!
- Men WANT a lot of things.
- But the respect of their wife is paramount.
- He may be disrespected in his job.
- He may be disrespected in his town.
- He may even be disrespected by his extended family.
- But if he is respected by his wife, he can and will carry on!
- Treat Him with respect!
- When Men truly LOVE their wives, and Women truly respect their husbands, it makes their jobs easier.
- Women can more easily follow and respect a man who Loves them “Like Christ loved the Church!”
- Men can more easily love their wives like they should, when she lets him lead and treats him with respect!
- LET’S DO THIS RIGHT!!!
Conclusion: Paul gives us instructions for Husbands and wives. But he is also giving all of us instructions about how to live as “The Bride of Christ!”
We should follow wherever Christ leads!
